US Politics - 1 Year, 3 Months Before the 2012 Election

Hey, can the GOP just decide to go with a Perry/Bachmann ticket now? Let's get that country over with already. And honestly...think of the potential jokes!

"In accordance with their pro-life stance, President Rick Perry and VP Bachmann simultaneously orgasmed while throwing the switch on the nation's last remaining mentally challenged death row prisoner."

Headline: "America declared a flamboyantly "Gay-Free Zone" by Second Lady Marcus Bachmann.

I'm not entirely sure why these people are popular enough to entertain presidential aspirations, but I suspect it's hipsters. See, hipsters like things ironically. Like mullets and shitty indie bands and mopeds. I'm guessing that 90% of Bachmann or Perry's support is coming from people who think it's funny to support them. Sorry, did I say "guessing"? I meant "hoping". Because I find it hard to believe that there are enough people who hate everyone else in the world so much that these twits can gather a voting base at all.


If you are a Christian, I understand that you have certain closely-held beliefs. They are important to you. I do not fault anyone for their value system except for Scientologists, because seriously, fuck those guys. But, as a Christian, you have to know that you are also an American. And that, since you're freely exercising your right to Freedom of Religion, that literally every other American is allowed to exercise their Right to the separation of Church and State. Again, I'm not saying your beliefs are wrong, or that you are bad in any way: I'm saying that you must at least extend to everyone else the same rights that you enjoy.


America was founded on the concept of religious freedom. This post is in no way mocking or devaluing your religion. I have made no comment thus far about my own religious leanings. The USA was also founded on the concept of freedom from tyranny.

This needs some explanation, because I'm not talking about the US's obvious leg up on the military side of international relations. What I mean is, fuck the Pope.

See, back in some time a while ago, Henry the VIII, who was as hard to pronounce as you'd expect ("Henry Vee?" "Henry VEEEEEEE?"), thought that divorce might be a decent idea. Catholicism didn't allow for divorce, so he said, "Fuck you, Pope! I'm making my own religion over here, and you can't play in my sandbox!" Thus was born the Anglican faith, sort of. I'm sure there was more to it, but fuck it I'm a comedy blogger, not a historical source, so take from that story what you will.


Now that last paragraph may have seemed a little condescending to those of you with an iota of religious historical knowledge. But know what? That was 1414 years ago. Call it 1500. That's, according to Southern Baptists, 1/4 of the entire history of human existence. So here's a question for you: There are worldwide religious and historical texts that speak of a flood. I'm not arguing against myself here: I'm not saying that the story of Noah is true at all. After all, it's not in the Bible that Noah's Flood happens, but the Talmud--the Jewish texts. The Jews, for references' sake, claim their religion started about 3,000 years ago. That's half what the Baptists claim for the age of the world.


What I am saying is that there are around 200 stories from all around the world that tell of a flood, and that it happened around 12,000-12,500 years ago. There are texts from China, Tibet, Greece, Italy, and the Middle East that talk about times prior to 4000 BC. So just from a purely logical standpoint, not only are Young-Earth people claiming that dinosaur bones, the existence of oil, fossils, and archaeological evidence were all placed on Earth by the devil to mislead us, but that somehow, people...people who are currently, for the most part, Christian (see: Greece; yes people, Christian includes Catholics) were lying about themselves in their own historical record. And that's not even going in to African history, because clearly that wouldn't even be considered. Again, I'm not debating the validity of the idea of a worldwide flood that happened a long time ago. There are enough sources that imply it happened around the same time that I would have to say that it seems likely, if not a certainty. If all we have to go on are legends, and legends are the historical memories of populations long past, then those stories are all we have left. But those sources also claim it happened when the Earth was, according to Baptists, about negative 6,000 years old. Hell, even the provable historical record shows them wrong, with marine fossils of a certain age being shown on mountainsides having a consistent age (the assumption being that they were placed there by a massive flood).


So I guess I'm not saying religion is wrong. I'm not arguing against the historical record because people better versed in teasing out its truths than I am have found some data in it. What I'm saying is that they differ from each other. And when 2 things cannot logically co-exist, I tend to go with the one that can be proven. For example, I know the American people can be intensely intelligent and voraciously inventive. The early 20th century saw such visionaries as Nikola Tesla, Thomas "I'll steal everything not nailed down" Edison, and Henry Ford. This isn't an anti-American rant--I don't "hate" your country at all: in a lot of ways, I respect it. America has shown itself to be formidable in war, diplomacy (though not so much in recent years), economics, and even internationally-respected legal precedents, however late they've come. What bothers me is that you still allow a bunch of silliness to overtake a simple election.


I don't mean your election process is simple. Obviously there's a complex choice for every American: They need to, with limited data and far-skewed information, figure out who will best represent them in government. And because they are limited to a 2-party system, this typically means allying themselves with people who in any other debate would seem reprehensible to them. No one asks the pro-life liberal if they're properly represented; or the socially-liberal, fiscally-conservative voter if their candidate is the best (or even exists).


I'll admit, as an outside observer of American politics, I thought the idea of a Perry/Bachmann ticket would be funny, but the more I think about it, the less sure I'm feeling. America isn't just my neighbour to the South, it's the cultural leader of North America. It was meant to stand as a shining beacon of tolerance, acceptance, and freedom to the rest of the world. And now, I just feel like the those hypothetical hipsters are taking over--freedom doesn't have enough irony in it, and has been cast aside, while inclusiveness and acceptance are no longer "cool" in the national psyche. And that worries me, because according to every other country on Earth, that ain't so.


So I don't know what the results will be in 2012, but I have my own hopes for them. On the one hand, I want them to be funny. On the other, I want them to be inspiring. So let's hope that, whatever the results in 2012, they are a learning experience for everyone involved, and not bogged down in the stupid shit that made your country look like a planet-wide laughingstock last time.