Aeroplan Hell
For those of you who don't know, I'm in Calgary right now. I was originally going to be in Edmonton this weekend, but through a combination of stupidity and bad luck, I ended up in Calgary. I'm fine with it—I get to meet up with some old friends and I've had a great time so far.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Get Offa My Lawn!!
[Originally posted on July 31, 2009.]
Just saw something hilarious at my local pub.
There was a band there--no one else knew their name, so I didn't bother learning it--who decided their influences were Red Hot Chili Peppers and Sublime. They were playing some of the worst summer-rock, wannabe music I've ever heard. Here's how the conversation went in front of the pub on their break:
"So, you guys do like, dub-rock?"
"Dub? Uh...no. Not sure what that is, bro!"
"Your bedazzled dogtags are around backwards."
"Whoa, thanks!"
Just saw something hilarious at my local pub.
There was a band there--no one else knew their name, so I didn't bother learning it--who decided their influences were Red Hot Chili Peppers and Sublime. They were playing some of the worst summer-rock, wannabe music I've ever heard. Here's how the conversation went in front of the pub on their break:
"So, you guys do like, dub-rock?"
"Dub? Uh...no. Not sure what that is, bro!"
"Your bedazzled dogtags are around backwards."
"Whoa, thanks!"
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Too Much
[Originally posted on January 22, 2009]
So there was a Big Bang. Then time happened. Now, inevitably, here we are.
There was this guy, let's call him "Ogg", who figured out that you didn't have to wait for a lightning storm before you could have fire. He figured out how to get it whenever he wanted. I'm saying it's a dude because typically women like to keep their eyebrows intact and wouldn't be willing to play with a stick for hours on end.
Then there was another person, we'll call him/her "Ugg", and they thought that round things were pretty super. If you dropped them at the top of a hill, you got to play whatever the human version of "fetch" is. We'll shove our heads even further up our own asses and call it "the search for enlightenment". It seemed (to Ugg) that round things might have other applications. So we have the wheel.
While you're at home, consider that if your ancestors hadn't been out hunting, trapping, killing, etc., you wouldn't be here. Literally. (Seriously, someone explain the rationale of "vegetarianism" to me. Seriously. Because I'm thinking of switching to it not out of a love for animals, but for a hatred of plants.)
Ben Franklin (1706-1790) laid the basis for electrical study by supposedly attaching a key to a kite line. And made bifocals. And an odometer for carriages. And a glass-based musical instrument similar to a harmonica.
Sir Isaac Newton (1643-1727) was a theologian, physicist, mathematician, and philosopher. Granted, you don't really need special training to be a philosopher, since you just have to think about stuff. Or a theologian, since you just have to think about a certain class of stuff. But he also was the first to postulate that gravity was the attraction between bodies as they vary by mass.
Henry Ford's (1863-1947) great invention wasn't the car. That had been around for a while when he came around. Ford's great innovation was the assembly line. Before that, cars were hand-made, with specialized artisans moving from car to car to do their work. The assembly line brought the cars to the workers, who performed simple tasks which, as they compounded, replicated the tasks of the artisans. He also paid his workers $5 a day, which was a lot at the time, and was one of the first instances where a factory owner paid his workers enough to buy what they were producing.
What about "Agg"? They're the large-browed ancestor of yours who figured out that you don't need fulgurites (lightning + sand = natural glass) to make glass. Just think! Without lightning, they created things like urns, windows, screens, glasses, spectacles, and laid the basis for light bulbs. Speaking of which...
Thomas Edison (1847-1931), also known as "The Wizard of Menlo Park" or "the only socially beneficial person to ever come out of New Jersey", had a famous quote: "We will make electricity so cheap that only the rich will burn candles." There's also a quote that's usually attributed to him that I didn't care enough about to find the reference: "I haven't failed [a number] of times to create the light bulb. I have found [a number] of ways that do not work." Smart guy, smart way of looking at it. It's true to this day in IT: If you can't succeed at something, claim that you just need more time to complete the project. But in addition to light bulbs, he also made some of the first recordable media, the telegraph, the electrical grid, radiography (despite extreme fear of X-rays due to previous experiments' results), TV, and DC power.
How about "Igg"? They were the first to smack a prey's ribs with a bone and create percussion. Good thing they noticed that the smaller the rib or the larger the chamber it's played in, the more differentiated the note. Especially since without reverberation chambers we wouldn't have pianos, guitars, violins, basses, drums, saxophones, or pretty much any other non-electric instrument. And thank you to the sadist who discovered "catgut", insect-part treatments for wood instruments, and horse-hair bows. Otherwise we'd still be catching up.
Have you seen that great ad for the Discovery Channel with the "Boom-dee-yada" chorus? Heard the computerized voice in it? That's Stephen Hawking (1942-present), and he's one of the most influential physicists of modern times. He created the theory that black holes transmit (however garbled) information on all the matter they consume, as well as the idea that theoretical physics should be accessible to the masses, AND that black holes radiate a type of energy so un-thought-of before that it's called "Hawking radiation".
Alexander Graham Bell made the telephone, influenced hydrofoils and aeronautics, the metal detector, and helped create the National Geographic Society. Einstein gave us the theory of relativity and helped create the most efficient form of energy we've created yet: nuclear energy. Marie Curie figured out that Radium shouldn't be played with without the proper equipment. Oppenheimer helped with nuclear bombs and re-popularized the phrase from the Indian Rig Veda "I am become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds". Freud told us that we're all just masturbating monkeys, throwing poop; Jung taught us that we all have a dark side. Charles Babbage started the first computer.
So getting back to the point of this article: What have you done lately? Has there been a recent moment where you've felt you've built upon the backs of giants? It all started with a big bang.
(And my apologies to all of womankind. I'm not anti-woman at all, but haven't heard of any famous female inventors before except for Medea, who invented infanticide. Blame the education system in this country. Yeah that was a challenge. TELL ME ABOUT FEMALE INVENTORS/INNOVATORS!)
So there was a Big Bang. Then time happened. Now, inevitably, here we are.
There was this guy, let's call him "Ogg", who figured out that you didn't have to wait for a lightning storm before you could have fire. He figured out how to get it whenever he wanted. I'm saying it's a dude because typically women like to keep their eyebrows intact and wouldn't be willing to play with a stick for hours on end.
Then there was another person, we'll call him/her "Ugg", and they thought that round things were pretty super. If you dropped them at the top of a hill, you got to play whatever the human version of "fetch" is. We'll shove our heads even further up our own asses and call it "the search for enlightenment". It seemed (to Ugg) that round things might have other applications. So we have the wheel.
While you're at home, consider that if your ancestors hadn't been out hunting, trapping, killing, etc., you wouldn't be here. Literally. (Seriously, someone explain the rationale of "vegetarianism" to me. Seriously. Because I'm thinking of switching to it not out of a love for animals, but for a hatred of plants.)
Ben Franklin (1706-1790) laid the basis for electrical study by supposedly attaching a key to a kite line. And made bifocals. And an odometer for carriages. And a glass-based musical instrument similar to a harmonica.
Sir Isaac Newton (1643-1727) was a theologian, physicist, mathematician, and philosopher. Granted, you don't really need special training to be a philosopher, since you just have to think about stuff. Or a theologian, since you just have to think about a certain class of stuff. But he also was the first to postulate that gravity was the attraction between bodies as they vary by mass.
Henry Ford's (1863-1947) great invention wasn't the car. That had been around for a while when he came around. Ford's great innovation was the assembly line. Before that, cars were hand-made, with specialized artisans moving from car to car to do their work. The assembly line brought the cars to the workers, who performed simple tasks which, as they compounded, replicated the tasks of the artisans. He also paid his workers $5 a day, which was a lot at the time, and was one of the first instances where a factory owner paid his workers enough to buy what they were producing.
What about "Agg"? They're the large-browed ancestor of yours who figured out that you don't need fulgurites (lightning + sand = natural glass) to make glass. Just think! Without lightning, they created things like urns, windows, screens, glasses, spectacles, and laid the basis for light bulbs. Speaking of which...
Thomas Edison (1847-1931), also known as "The Wizard of Menlo Park" or "the only socially beneficial person to ever come out of New Jersey", had a famous quote: "We will make electricity so cheap that only the rich will burn candles." There's also a quote that's usually attributed to him that I didn't care enough about to find the reference: "I haven't failed [a number] of times to create the light bulb. I have found [a number] of ways that do not work." Smart guy, smart way of looking at it. It's true to this day in IT: If you can't succeed at something, claim that you just need more time to complete the project. But in addition to light bulbs, he also made some of the first recordable media, the telegraph, the electrical grid, radiography (despite extreme fear of X-rays due to previous experiments' results), TV, and DC power.
How about "Igg"? They were the first to smack a prey's ribs with a bone and create percussion. Good thing they noticed that the smaller the rib or the larger the chamber it's played in, the more differentiated the note. Especially since without reverberation chambers we wouldn't have pianos, guitars, violins, basses, drums, saxophones, or pretty much any other non-electric instrument. And thank you to the sadist who discovered "catgut", insect-part treatments for wood instruments, and horse-hair bows. Otherwise we'd still be catching up.
Have you seen that great ad for the Discovery Channel with the "Boom-dee-yada" chorus? Heard the computerized voice in it? That's Stephen Hawking (1942-present), and he's one of the most influential physicists of modern times. He created the theory that black holes transmit (however garbled) information on all the matter they consume, as well as the idea that theoretical physics should be accessible to the masses, AND that black holes radiate a type of energy so un-thought-of before that it's called "Hawking radiation".
Alexander Graham Bell made the telephone, influenced hydrofoils and aeronautics, the metal detector, and helped create the National Geographic Society. Einstein gave us the theory of relativity and helped create the most efficient form of energy we've created yet: nuclear energy. Marie Curie figured out that Radium shouldn't be played with without the proper equipment. Oppenheimer helped with nuclear bombs and re-popularized the phrase from the Indian Rig Veda "I am become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds". Freud told us that we're all just masturbating monkeys, throwing poop; Jung taught us that we all have a dark side. Charles Babbage started the first computer.
So getting back to the point of this article: What have you done lately? Has there been a recent moment where you've felt you've built upon the backs of giants? It all started with a big bang.
(And my apologies to all of womankind. I'm not anti-woman at all, but haven't heard of any famous female inventors before except for Medea, who invented infanticide. Blame the education system in this country. Yeah that was a challenge. TELL ME ABOUT FEMALE INVENTORS/INNOVATORS!)
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Pork
[Originally written May 11, 2007]
There's a joke dating back to the Cold War that says, "Two groups of scientists, one American and one Russian, are given the task of figuring out the problem of writing in space. See, the regular gravity-driven ballpoints just aren't cutting it in a zero-G environment. After spending $6 billion dollars, the Americans come up with a brilliant concept: a pressurized, zero-gravity-capable pen. After spending $0.10, the Russians also figure out the problem: they use a pencil."
There's a joke dating back to the Cold War that says, "Two groups of scientists, one American and one Russian, are given the task of figuring out the problem of writing in space. See, the regular gravity-driven ballpoints just aren't cutting it in a zero-G environment. After spending $6 billion dollars, the Americans come up with a brilliant concept: a pressurized, zero-gravity-capable pen. After spending $0.10, the Russians also figure out the problem: they use a pencil."
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Things That Are Pissing Me Off #483,618
[Originally posted on July 16, 2009]
- NIMBY - Not In My Back Yard. I didn't realize this feeling was so strong in my neighbourhood until I read in the paper that people had made threats against the workers at a methadone clinic that just opened up in my local plaza. Let's go over the other businesses in the plaza and see how they measure up, okay?
Subway - like crack for fat people who want to be skinny, except with more mayonnaise. No complaints about the influx of fat people, despite flagrant displays of roast beef.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Jack Layton
[Jack Layton's final letter to Canadians can be found here: http://news.ca.msn.com/top-stories/jack-laytons-last-letter-to-canadians]
I started writing a long post tonight about how Jack Layton's anti-prorogation legislation was awesome and that the Conservatives brought it on themselves because Stephen Harper did it twice in a year. Personally, I think it's pretty reprehensible because it's the political equivalent of saying, "Screw you guys, I'm going home, and I'm taking my ball with me."
I started writing a long post tonight about how Jack Layton's anti-prorogation legislation was awesome and that the Conservatives brought it on themselves because Stephen Harper did it twice in a year. Personally, I think it's pretty reprehensible because it's the political equivalent of saying, "Screw you guys, I'm going home, and I'm taking my ball with me."
That wasn't good enough though. I got several paragraphs in and realized I was ranting about that actually being allowed rather than what I wanted to do, which was tell a decent story or two about a political leader I actually admired.
Monday, August 15, 2011
US Politics - 1 Year, 3 Months Before the 2012 Election
Hey, can the GOP just decide to go with a Perry/Bachmann ticket now? Let's get that country over with already. And honestly...think of the potential jokes!
"In accordance with their pro-life stance, President Rick Perry and VP Bachmann simultaneously orgasmed while throwing the switch on the nation's last remaining mentally challenged death row prisoner."
Headline: "America declared a flamboyantly "Gay-Free Zone" by Second Lady Marcus Bachmann.
"In accordance with their pro-life stance, President Rick Perry and VP Bachmann simultaneously orgasmed while throwing the switch on the nation's last remaining mentally challenged death row prisoner."
Headline: "America declared a flamboyantly "Gay-Free Zone" by Second Lady Marcus Bachmann.
Hypocrisy - Part 4: Your Day In Court
[Originally posted on March 6, 2008]
So here's how it ends:
"We find the defendant, blah blah blah, not guilty."
As with any problem, it's always easier if you start at the end. You see, before that end, there were endless hours of litigation, discussion, debate, and oration. There was one person desperately trying to put you down, and another intently holding you up. It was emotional.
As a natural skeptic and semi-caring small-'L' libertarian, I can see most of your defenses: "Prove it."
Prove I took that candy bar when I was 5. Prove I got in that fight in grade 6. Prove that I slandered that person at age 17 (five times), 18 (too many to count), and 19-26.
But they don't need to prove it.
"We find the defendant, blah blah blah, not guilty."
As with any problem, it's always easier if you start at the end. You see, before that end, there were endless hours of litigation, discussion, debate, and oration. There was one person desperately trying to put you down, and another intently holding you up. It was emotional.
As a natural skeptic and semi-caring small-'L' libertarian, I can see most of your defenses: "Prove it."
Prove I took that candy bar when I was 5. Prove I got in that fight in grade 6. Prove that I slandered that person at age 17 (five times), 18 (too many to count), and 19-26.
But they don't need to prove it.
Hypocrisy - Part 3
[Originally posted on March 3, 2008]
I mentioned I'd write about this a while ago. I think my exact words were, "I'll write about theologically-based states later. Needless to say, they've proven themselves to not work very well no matter where they are in the world, or what religion they're based on."
Guess I'll have to justify that. Remember, kids, there's nothing worse than having to make good on all the things you said when you were drinking. Pay attention to them, because they'll come back and bite you in the ass. In accordance with that tenant, I'll apparently also have to write about how Beyoncé Knowles and Jay-Z are in cahoots with Madonna and Tom Cruise to bring about the apocalypse through poor interpretation of the writings of James Hogan and/or Douglas Adams.
I mentioned I'd write about this a while ago. I think my exact words were, "I'll write about theologically-based states later. Needless to say, they've proven themselves to not work very well no matter where they are in the world, or what religion they're based on."
Guess I'll have to justify that. Remember, kids, there's nothing worse than having to make good on all the things you said when you were drinking. Pay attention to them, because they'll come back and bite you in the ass. In accordance with that tenant, I'll apparently also have to write about how Beyoncé Knowles and Jay-Z are in cahoots with Madonna and Tom Cruise to bring about the apocalypse through poor interpretation of the writings of James Hogan and/or Douglas Adams.
Hypocrisy - Part 2
[Originally posted on October 7, 2007]
This note will not be as long as the other note on hypocrisy. There will be more, but this one will be shorter because I don't have a huge amount of source material on this. I am Canadian, after all. The first note can be found here.
(Full disclosure: I have not seen Michael Moore's Sicko yet. I've read a few articles about it, both positive and negative, but the movie itself is not a source.)
How many of you have seen Boston Legal? It's hilarious. There's one thing about it that really impresses me though: their research is great. They take on a lot of social issues, and they research them well. One of the cases they showed had a lawyer suing an HMO because they had sent a woman to India to have her heart surgery. The HMO's defense was that it costs $90,000 to have heart surgery in the US, and $10,000 in India. The woman died on the operating table, but not because of unsanitary conditions or malpractice--she just didn't make it. And yet, there's a huge boost to patients' recoveries to be made from having family around.
This note will not be as long as the other note on hypocrisy. There will be more, but this one will be shorter because I don't have a huge amount of source material on this. I am Canadian, after all. The first note can be found here.
(Full disclosure: I have not seen Michael Moore's Sicko yet. I've read a few articles about it, both positive and negative, but the movie itself is not a source.)
How many of you have seen Boston Legal? It's hilarious. There's one thing about it that really impresses me though: their research is great. They take on a lot of social issues, and they research them well. One of the cases they showed had a lawyer suing an HMO because they had sent a woman to India to have her heart surgery. The HMO's defense was that it costs $90,000 to have heart surgery in the US, and $10,000 in India. The woman died on the operating table, but not because of unsanitary conditions or malpractice--she just didn't make it. And yet, there's a huge boost to patients' recoveries to be made from having family around.
Hypocrisy - Part 1
[Originally posted on September 11, 2007]
This is an article, quoted in its entirety, from the Calgary Herald in early August. Unfortunately I don't have the exact date:
"An Italian politician whose party represents Christian values has been embroiled in a scandal involving two prostitutes, a hotel room and a large amount of cocaine.
Cosimo Mele, 50, a Christian Democrat UDC MP, was caught out when he had to call an ambulance to the hotel in Rome after one of the girls suffered breathing problems.
The property entrepreneur, whose wife is pregnant with their fourth child, has now resigned from his party.
The scandal's timing is sensitive since the UDC party has been calling for all MPs to take voluntary drug tests.
Mele said: 'I did nothing other than go to dinner with a friend who introduced me to this girl. Since it was late, she came to bed with me. How many politicians go to bed with young girls?'
He said he had nothing to do with the other girl who had 'taken drugs or something else.' She felt ill and he had called reception.
He added: 'So politicians in the UDC do not make love? Of course I recognize Christian values. But what has that got to do with going with a prostitute? It is a personal matter.
'This affair has nothing to do with family values. I cannot be branded a bad father and a bad husband simply becaused after five or six days away from home an occasion presented itself.'"
3 Stories
[Originally posted on January 27, 2009]
This is from an email I wrote someone when I was in a drunk-and-talky mood. I was ranting for a bit about free will, and this is the second part of it. The first part will not be published. So this is on religion and about "if I can talk you out of it, you don't really believe it."
Enjoy:
I like talking religion with religious people, but it makes some of them uncomfortable. The ones it makes uncomfortable aren't that sure of their own positions, or they wouldn't worry. If I can talk you out of your faith, you don't have faith. One of the most interesting people I've ever spoken to is a friend of mine who's a Jehovah's Witness. She's done the house-to-house thing and everything (they call it "missionary work"). I asked her once, "do you think that soliciting at people's doors who don't want you there helps you score in God's great playbook?" She's both beautiful AND funny, and said, "Meh...can't hurt." I respect that, because she was actually following a belief rather than some inherited silliness.
This is from an email I wrote someone when I was in a drunk-and-talky mood. I was ranting for a bit about free will, and this is the second part of it. The first part will not be published. So this is on religion and about "if I can talk you out of it, you don't really believe it."
Enjoy:
I like talking religion with religious people, but it makes some of them uncomfortable. The ones it makes uncomfortable aren't that sure of their own positions, or they wouldn't worry. If I can talk you out of your faith, you don't have faith. One of the most interesting people I've ever spoken to is a friend of mine who's a Jehovah's Witness. She's done the house-to-house thing and everything (they call it "missionary work"). I asked her once, "do you think that soliciting at people's doors who don't want you there helps you score in God's great playbook?" She's both beautiful AND funny, and said, "Meh...can't hurt." I respect that, because she was actually following a belief rather than some inherited silliness.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Writing Miscellany
I haven't written for a while, so I figured I should do summa that. Also, I found a bunch of really cool articles and so rather than trying to force coherence on to some of my typical rambling blather, I'm going to talk about those. All of these are real articles, though I can't vouch for the sources because that would require research, and that doesn't seem like a thing that I'd do.
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