Get Offa My Lawn!!

[Originally posted on July 31, 2009.]


Just saw something hilarious at my local pub.

There was a band there--no one else knew their name, so I didn't bother learning it--who decided their influences were Red Hot Chili Peppers and Sublime. They were playing some of the worst summer-rock, wannabe music I've ever heard. Here's how the conversation went in front of the pub on their break:


"So, you guys do like, dub-rock?"
"Dub? Uh...no. Not sure what that is, bro!"
"Your bedazzled dogtags are around backwards."
"Whoa, thanks!"

I'd like to mention at this point that they broke rule #1 of any band: more than 1 of their members had frosted tips. Also, their lead singer had blonde whiteboy dreads and a cross shaved into the back of his head. That's like asking for a beating, since they were playing at a neighbourhood pub. You want good music for free? Check out your local. You wanna play dress-up like the "real" musicians you idolize? Book yourself into a stadium or something. At a local pub, you live or die on your sound, not whatever image you've created in your head of yourself that you've been masturbating to.

"So who are your influences? I played in band for like 10 years."
"Oh, dude, like, RCHP and Sublime."
"That's kind of funny, since your bassist looks sorta like Flea."
"Who's that? Stupid name. What's he in, like GWAR?"

At this point, I'm beating this guy over the head with the entirety of musical history...in my head. What I should have said was, "You're a terrible lyricist and nothing your band ever does will be interesting. (Sample lyric: 'Ooh girl wow tonight / We're gonna make out tonight / Because it's tonight'.)"

What I said was, "So what makes you different?" His reply was, "We have a fiddler."

I know. It floored me, too. I had no idea they had a fiddler until he said that. So I mentioned that maybe their sound mixing left something to be desired:

"Dude...If I hadn't seen him, I wouldn't have known you had a fiddler. Do you mic him?"
"Yeah but, well...the drums are really loud."
"Yeah, but that's why the bar has a board. You get to choose the levels for each mic."


Here's what killed me:


"Holy SHIT! We were *wondering* what that was for! We thought it was just to get all the leads in to one speaker!" (*Bonus for drummers: No dampeners in the bass drum, missed the high-hat one out of every <random number> attempts. Bet they just started last week.)

I'm a fan of sarcasm. I love sarcasm. I usually see it even when it doesn't exist. This time, there was no sarcasm. He wasn't kidding when he said he didn't know what the mixing board is for. I like young musicians, and don't mind playing sound guy during checks if they're looking for some advice. But if they're not even sure what a mixer is, or why they might want to change some of those scary dials, I wonder why they plugged in to it in the first place.

"So why the Chilis and Sublime?"
"We usually do a lot of reggae, because Marley was king, yo. Reefer for life!"
"Huh. I like playing blues, mostly. Nice meeting you; good luck with the band."

I started to walk home at this point. My place is close, and I found him irritating, and not just because of the hair. Usually I find ignorance invigorating*. (* infuriating-to-the-point-of-madness)

But then the kid (did I mention he was maybe 5 years younger than me?) got cocky. Apparently he thought that walking away from him meant that he was somehow more of a douchebag than his hair made him already. Or that I'd insulted him in some way by saying I played blues or something? Or...I don't know. You read the description, the kid was an idiot.

"Good luck with the blues, old man!"
"Good luck with reggae-based stuff. It's from the 50's, and hasn't changed much since then. Old man."
"Wait...what?"
"No. I'm going home now. But you'll notice...the Blues are still around and pretty popular. 'Bluesfest' is starting next weekend. 6 whole days. Remind me again, when's 'Dumbass-Whiteboy-With-Fake-Dreadlocks-Reggae-Fest'? Because I notice you guys weren't picked up for the recent Caribbean festival or the recent folk festival or any of the other dozens of festivals this summer...so how's not knowing where you came from working out for you? Do you have any idea who the Chili Peppers even are?"
"Yeah, dude: they did 'Aeroplane'."

At a certain point, there is nothing you can do to teach the young. Sometimes, you just need to walk away and let the little fuckers learn on their own.

And that's how I got those damn kids off my lawn.