Old Stuff: Drunken Missive #2: Explaining Calgary

[Originally posted on July 18, 2008]


So...there are bars everywhere here... (See? I can too carry a story when I'm drunk!)

Let's blame it on Ralph.

That sounds like a goofy thing to say, but in this case, it's true.

See a long time ago, there was a political reporter who liked to sit in the St. Louis Hotel's bar and listen to the politicians who came there to drink after a long day at city hall, which is right across the road.

Eventually, this political reporter decided that he had heard enough drunken tales. And he had also picked up an impressive drinking habit from his time at the St. Louis, as most people who go there do.

So he decided to run for public office. And eventually, Ralph Klein became the mayor of Calgary. And his decree to all the little boys and girls of Calgary was that "thou shalt never be further than walking distance from either a bar or a liquor store!"

And thus it was so. And then there was light. Or at least, drunkeness.

And this was a long time ago, when Calgary was smaller, so as the city grew, thus did The Ralph's rules grow into law throughout the new land. And so became the city of Calgary today: with bars and liquor stores fucking everywhere.

But The Ralph did not stop there. Because in the holy decade of the late-70's to the early-80's, when AC/DC were kings and Led Zeppelin did rule the land and Aerosmith were probably good for an honourable mention or something, King Ralph heard the word of the Lord and decided that municipal politics were no longer for him.

So he ran for premier of the province.

And thus did the age of the King begin. When he was drunk at a homeless shelter and argued with the residents, the people of Alberta did rejoice. For he was one of them. (Seriously, drinking and driving here is less like a felony and more like a competitive sport.) As The Guardian, the great UK paper put it, the man arguing wasn't "just another drunken rightwing jerk [...] Actually, it was Ralph Klein, the premier of the Alberta, dropping by for an unofficial visit on his way home from a party." Oh, and by "arguing with", I mean he yelled at a bunch of homeless people to "just get a job!"

"King Ralph", as he became known, "actually ran his mayoral campaign from the St Louis hotel bar, and the bar's owners had mugs made up with is picture on it that were known as Klein Steins. After he won, he continued to keep 'office hours' at the tavern."

And thus did Alberta become known as the province of the drinker. The buffoon. The giggler. It's frickin' hilarious here. See, the province itself is fairly right-wing, but if you're in the big cities (Edmonton or Calgary), you'd never know it. See I don't see the province as right-wing, per se, just libertarian. They don't want government interference in their lives, and Conservatives tend to offer the least interference. (Not provide, but offer.)

And so on lives the legacy of King Ralph, the first village idiot who was elected leader. See whatever my next post is for the continuation...because it's only gotten worse since then...

Enjoy!
-Dan