Post-Ironic Consortium

I Worry Because I Worry I Have No Sense of Irony

I have no real capacity for irony anymore. I've tried to have one, but I figure because I'm 30 I can't be bothered to pretend to like things I don't actually like any more. Now, when I like things, I actually like them. When I dislike things, it's usually because I dislike them. Right off the bat I'm going to say that I'm not in favour of Justin Bieber. I was worried for a fraction of a second that I mixed up the E and the I in his name, but then I realized I don't care at all. See? It's amazing! So freeing. Let's see what else I can do with a dose of non-irony:



Fashion
I never thought that I put much stock in fashion. Then I looked back. I remember having pants that were big enough for 2 of me. I remember in elementary school that I got an undercut against all better judgment, and ended up with curly bits that made me look insane. I remember when I discovered punk music and wore an old army coat and tried to dye my hair fire-engine red and ended up with pink fuzz for a while.

When I joined the business world, I put on a suit, nice shirts, ties...but it felt like exactly as much as a costume as ripped jeans and skate shoes were. I still put that costume on when I need to, but I know now that it's a costume—I play a character. When I'm dressed up, I'm confident, I'm untouchable, I'm intelligent--I'm "me", but wearing it on the outside. And way more censored than usual. I make bland jokes instead of wry witticisms. I fake enthusiasm for strangers' stories rather than being bored with them. I'm not fake when like this, I'm just playing a role—the business guy you want to work with. Relatable, approachable, and non-threatening. Not that I'm usually threatening, but there isn't all that scary "depth" to worry about: It's just my surface.

Know what I'm most comfortable in? Jeans and a t-shirt. With no markings on them. If a company wants me to wear their logo, they'd better pay me. So I wear jeans that fit (now) because hell, they make my ass look good. And I wear un-endorsed t-shirts because no one is paying me for them. I have a few printed shirts for stuff I like—a couple bands, a roller derby team, a CFL team, a scientist—but they're drowned among unprinted tees because I don't want to be a billboard. If you want to get to know me, get to know me.

Music

I have to admit: I'm not as "in to" music as I used to be. I used to make it. I used to live and breathe it. It used to be the most important thing to me ever. I cared what people thought about the music I liked and I cared about what music the people I liked liked. Now? I pretty much just listen to what I want to.

I was raised around a bunch of metalheads and hip-hop kids. I liked punk music. I still love Good Riddance, NOFX, Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, Snuff, and Lagwagon. I no longer like bands like Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, and Korn much, but I remember really appreciating them when I was younger. And I remember feeling like I should like other bands instead. Bands like Pantera, Slayer, and Sepultura. I have to admit: I like a bunch of their songs. But I never felt like a fan. As for the "nu-metal" bands I mentioned, I didn't really feel like a fan of those, either. I just liked them more than the "true" metal guys because I could understand what they were saying, or the musical aspect of their songs spoke to me. But to me, music was always more about the lyrics. It's probably why I'm a shitty guitar player—to me, music is the backing track for truth spread through lyrics. Maybe that's why I liked Rage Against the Machine so much: Zach de la Rocha was a poet long before he ever found a microphone.

I've found since then that I've co-opted a bunch of my parents' music. On my dad's side, I was raised on Rock and Roll, Southern Rock, and a little country. Lynyrd Skynyrd, John Prine, John Fogerty, the Travelling Willburys, etc. On my mom's side I heard the best of Motown—Al Green, Marvin Gaye, the Temptations. Through both of them I found the best of British rock: Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones, The Beatles. But I'm no sentimentalist. I've also enjoyed reggae, ska, jazz—even some classical music.

For hip-hop, I was an obvious fan of Eminem—a disenfranchised white kid, angry at everything—why wouldn't I have appreciated him? And with my love of lyrics, the idea of someone winning rap battles was amazing. That's the same reason why I liked Eyedea, before he died. I have very few tracks of him, but his words are fucking amazing. Same with Atmosphere and the Beastie Boys. And Classified and Common. And recently Das Racist. And Greydon Square and MC Lars. And Jay-Z and Outkast and Rahzel and The Roots. The more truth the better—any lyrics that would blow my mind were worth it. To me, mind-splosions = good music.

Art

I have a number of friends who are phenomenal visual artists. I could speak of the delicate control of Lauren Schneider's photography, or the simple-but-powerful lines in Tina Jensen's landscapes. Or any of Susan Scott's written and visual works; or Cherie McLeod's paintings; or the mixed media of Jackie Haycock, the schizophrenic art of Brian Rack, or the impressive sculptures by Paul Michael Anderson.

Know what I don't like? So-called "modern art". To me, a vertical line on a white background is worth literally the cost of materials, minus a swift boot to the ass to whoever thought that could pass for "art". A bunch of triangles are, to me, my daughter's art project from grade 4. Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-art, just anti-stupid-art. No one has ever introduced new thoughts or started a revolution in a population with basic geometry in primary colours.

I believe in this quote, even though I don't live by it: "Art is either plagiarism or revolution." First of all, it's impossible to live by: there are thousands of real works of art that are neither. But as I understand it, art is important and should be treated as such. And when it moves past its past, it should be allowed to spark creativity wherever it exists.

That being said, fuck triangles on a canvas. I will always hate that.

Summing Up

Why the fuck would you waste your life liking things you don't really like? For example, and I hate to sexualize this but whatever: Hey women: Curlicue moustaches will never be hot. Ever. Same with sideburns. Know why? It's not the 18-fucking-hundreds. Beards are not hot on every guy because on most they look fucking ridiculous and desperate. Same goes for skinny jeans. Demand better from your men. They owe you that much.

That said: Hey guys, can we admit that not all girls look great in GIANT-framed glasses and corduroy? Or flannel? Or tweed or whatever goddamn thing they've come up with this week (monocles?!)? I get the librarian-hot thing. Stop sexualizing random accessories, it's just weird. No one ever got sexy through chunky bracelets.

Like what you like. Be who you are. If you're nerdy, be nerdy. If you're not, be...I don't know...normal. And stop making a fetish out of irony—a 1980's lunchbox isn't a status symbol, it should be a sign you need to re-evaluate yourself. Unless you're totally about 1980's lunchboxes. And you're sure of that. Is "pathetisad" a word? Imagine it is. If it's a word, and you still love 1980's lunchboxes, damn you really must love them. I'm glad ALF meant that much to you. You disgust me. Know who loves ALF that much? Nobody. Grow the hell up.

I guess in summation, living ironically is stupid. I only mean that semi-aggressively. If you are able to take a long, hard look at yourself, and be happy with it, then please, take it as the Internet ranting this was. If you look at this post, and think, "pfft...I used to think this before it was cool", please set yourself on fire because you're murdering true creativity and should definitely stop pretending you know anything about life. And if you recognize yourself, and worry that maybe you're wasting your life caring about things that don't need caring about...figure out what you like.