Absolutely Ridiculous

I've been thinking a lot recently about absolutes. "I'm done with this." "I love this." "You're intolerable." "I want to put my penis in this." ...basically any phrase that includes some sort of sweeping generalization as it relates to me.

What brought this up is that I was thinking about New Year's resolutions. They are, as a whole, utterly insane and stupid. Yes, I know that that's one of those "absolute" statements. But the numbers back me up on this. See, around 92% of people's New Year's resolutions fail (80% in the first 20 days of the year), though it's not through lack of trying. No one set out to lose weight, or quit smoking, or stop beating their children, with the thought, "it's okay if I fail, because I'm still okay." When they start out on their goals, it's with the best of intentions. They will work out for a while. They will not smoke for a while. They will stop being such a bottom-feeding, mouth-breathing cunt of a human being. For a while.



People don't fail because they're "bad". Or not even necessarily because they're "weak". Working out is hard to do on a consistent basis. Life gets in the way, and excuses not to do it become easier and easier to come by. Once you've made the excuse that you're "too tired", it's easy to use any variation of "tired" as an excuse. If you were busy, any variation of "it's too late now" is an excuse. When you're quitting smoking, hell, you'll grab any excuse you can; I've been there. "It's just one." "I'm drunk." "They're so good!" Any of those work. As for the childbeater, well...that was a stupid example used for hyperbole. Fuck that moron; they just need to stop smacking kids.

Due to my own personal vices/failings/awesomeness, I tend to focus on alcohol, nicotine, and women. "I won't drink as much as last year," is a hell of a lot easier to say than, "I'm not going to drink anymore." "I'm going to cut down so it's easier to quit," is easier to say than, "this is my last cigarette ever." And as for women...well they're pretty super. "No one-night-stands" is actually a resolution I've been able to keep for a while. It's one of the reasons I'm slightly bitter and kind of humpy. But it's also been freeing and ultimately a very good decision. Since I made that resolution, I have never regretted sleeping with anyone, and I've remained close friends with anyone I have slept with, inasmuch as I remember the majority of their names.

As for the "Absolutely Ridiculous" title I gave this thing, that was like 15 minutes ago. It's incredible I've been able to maintain a train of thought this long. But I'm reasonably sure I was going to make this a post about unrealistic resolutions.

When you say something like, for example, "I'm going to get 500 new followers on Twitter," you sound like an idiot. Unless you already have well over a couple thousand followers, because then it might actually be do-able. If you say, "I want 10% more followers than I have," that's probably more reasonable, because the majority of your followers come from you being retweeted by the people currently following you. So don't tweet for new people, tweet for the ones you have—they already like you. If you want followers who are going to laugh at your timeline, the best way to get them are by impressing the people who already share your sense of humour.

When you say something like, "I'm going to lose 80 pounds and work out every day and do all the sit-ups," you sound pathetic. You either want to do it because of low self-esteem or because you legitimately want to get in shape. If it's because of low self-esteem, you need to make an honest assessment of yourself. Are you actually as out of shape as you think you are? Or do you just think that because you're surrounded by people who are idiots? If you're trying to get in shape, good for you! But your goals are unrealistic. Sure, work out some! Even a lot! Who doesn't want to be a little stronger? But if you want to lose some weight, maybe be more reasonable. Do 20 minutes a day. Stop eating fast food. Being in shape isn't unreasonable, but promising yourself that you'll do over an hour a day makes it too easy to say, "Well I couldn't do all of it today, so I may as well do none of it."

If you made a resolution like, "I'm never going to drink again," you're going to run in to a major problem. The problem is, the first time you're in a socially-acceptable place for you to have a drink, you're going to have all of them. All of the booze. You will end up bruised, broken, and hurting, in a ditch, wondering who's next to you and why your left hand's bones are smashed and your bum hurts and you have "Lord Fauntl*smear*" tattooed on your back. I'm not speaking from personal experience; that's just if you have the same problem with booze that I do. It's more prevalent than you think.

Some people can have 2 beers and be fine with it. Others see that as an appetizer and can't help but try for the high score. So if your goal is, "I'm going to drink less," either go without entirely and suffer the massive shame of completely drinking your face off every once in a while, or try to build some sort of support group among your friends so that you can have a drink or two and be able to stop after that. After a while, it'll become a "habit", and you'll be able to go out with your coworkers without trying to mushroom-stamp your hot lead programmer for the crime of "being genocidally hot". Or whatever.

If you make a resolution like, "I'm never going to smoke another cigarette," I applaud you. I want to quit smoking a whole lot, and I have nothing but respect for anyone who is trying to do it. In fact, the only thing I like more than the idea of quitting smoking is cigarettes, and the blissful joy that comes from smoking them. *throat clearing* I mean, uh..."good resolution, champ!" As a matter of fact, that throat-clearing may go on for a while, because smoking cigarettes is gross and makes you cough up bizarrely-coloured pieces of phlegm and lung. And makes you 34% cooler. And tastes like relaxation.

Goddammit. Okay, I am not a good person to write about quitting smoking. I am a part of one of the most-informed generations about how bad it is for you, and all the consequences, but I still like it. I am the definition of someone who needs to quit smoking. Let me explain my reasoning, and maybe it'll help you with your own reasons:

Quitting cold-turkey is hard for a lot of people. The first reason is because it's a ridiculous-sounding phrase, so it's hard to take seriously. The second is that your body goes in to violent reverse-thrust mode, so that while you still crave nicotine, they make you feel sick when you have one, but you still want more. The third is that "weaning" yourself off cigarettes doesn't work as effectively as you'd expect, in that I still smoke. It's easy to get down to 3-4 per day: Just don't smoke until you absolutely need one. From there, some people can quit with no problems. Most, however, will invent new reasons to have an "extra". For example, "I AM SO FUCKING BORED AND IF I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CIGARETTE RIGHT NOW EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS STORE IS GOING TO DIE EARLY!" Retail situations tend to have a high mortality rate when people are quitting smoking.

So those are the big 3, at least. I suppose there are others, but they didn't make it in to this post. I'll respond back to comments though, so please tell me: What are your resolutions, if any? How do you see them?